karenhealey

Internets! Wow! Okay!

Some stuff has been happening, let's get to it.

1: I'm going to be a secondary school teacher!

Internets, equal with my love of telling imaginary people what to do is my love of telling people what I think about things. I mean, presumably you know that. You read this blog.

I really love teaching - I taught drama to younger kids in high school, and Shakespeare and YA lit to undergrads at Canterbury University, and English to students in Japan and Cinema to undergrads in Melbourne, not to mention a hefty chunk of creative writing workshops. I once thought I would become a university lecturer and teach at that level forever, but my experience as a PhD student convinced me that this path was not for me. It's a fine job! But teaching is a much smaller part of it than I had anticipated, and that was the part I was really into.

So this year, while I was living with my parents and occasionally my younger sister (taking off for the States again in a week, SO GLAMOUROUS), I worked retail, wrote some books, and thought a lot about what I wanted to do. I am so grateful that my family let me live rent-free, and that they were in a position to do so.

And what I want to do is teach English and Classics to teenagers.

(Internets, are you thinking, Karen, did it seriously take you a year to realise that? Because it didn't - it took about two weeks, and then the rest of the time was spent making sure I was right. Maturity!)

I applied to the intense and excellent program at the New Zealand Graduate School of Education and was accepted. I'm moving back to Christchurch, city of my heart. I start training in late January, and start getting real experience in classrooms shortly after that. To protect the privacy of my future students (!!!) I will not be blogging about that in anything but the most generalized terms, but I am SO EXCITED. And nervous. AND EXCITED.

I also have to pay for it, about which more later.

2: There is going to be a sequel to When We Wake!

MY FIRST SEQUEL. I've been calling it Cheerbaby Goes To State for a while now, but the real title - thus far! - is While We Run. It's told from the point of view of Abdi Taalib and we're looking at a publication date of April 2014, and that is about all I'm going to tell you right now, but I am EXCITED. And nervous. AND EXCITED.


So that's what's up with me, Internets. How are you doing?

Hi, Internets! It's time for Part II of my second essay on Sleeping Beauties and my forthcoming novel When We Wake.

In the first essay, I discussed the European origins of the fairy tale. In the second essay I made some inflammatory statements about the Grimm brothers and told the sad story of Tchaikovsky yearning for critical approval.

And now, at last, we are ready for this sucker:




Sleeping Beauty, Walt Disney, 1959.

Walt Disney has a very interesting history, none of which I am going to recount here.

I mean, it's Walt freaking Disney. You can find emanations of the man everywhere; it is actually rather difficult to avoid him. He is haunting you! Right now! Through this essay.

Sleeping Beauty was a big dream project for Walt - nearly a decade in the making, and with a lot of itty perfectionist details that warm my picky little heart. Much like Snow White, he was convinced it was going to be an immediate critical and popular smash hit, no matter what anyone else said. Unlike Snow White, he was wrong.

But it's definitely not the movie's fault, because it's really pretty damn good; beautifully animated, stunning backgrounds, great music. And, I am going to argue, surprisingly progressive in regards to gender roles! Disney princess feminism: didn't just start with… uh, well, not The Little Mermaid. Beauty and the Beast? Belle likes to read. Although wow, creepy abusive relationship "I-can-change-him!"/"You-just-make-me-so-angry-never-leave-me!" dynamic there, maybe not. Aladdin? Jasmine's pretty great, and there's that whole DAD I AM NOT MARRYING ANYONE BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA business.



Okay. Let's go with that one. Disney princess feminism: didn't just start in 1992!

In the Disney movie, like the ballet, more was made of the role of the fairies as active participants and movers of the plot. This time, there are three good fairies - Flora, Fauna, and Meriweather. At the christening (slash engagement party, about which more later), Flora and Fauna give their gifts to the Princess Aurora - beauty and musicality. Why are fairy gifts always like this? I would personally really like the fairy gift of "never loses her keys" or "can pull study all-nighters without fatigue the next day".

Then MALEFICENT turns up.



Maleficent the Enchantress, Mistress of All Evil, doesn't seem to be genuinely put out by the lack of invitation. "Haha, you didn't invite me, BECAUSE I'M EVIL, too funny!" she laughs, and then straight up curses Aurora and disappears.

Meriweather alters the curse - not for a hundred years, but "until true love's kiss" wakes her. Aurora isn't going to be handed off to any old king's son after a century. Only her genuine true love can break the spell, thus negotiating all sorts of tricky problems of consent and treating women as trophies rather than people. In fact, the "true love" clause harkens back to Brynhildr, who could only be wakened by a man worthy of her.

Briar Rose/Aurora is taken away by the fairies to live in hiding, and indeed grows up ignorant of her own identity. One day - her sixteenth birthday! - while dancing in the woods, she meets and dances with a dashing young man. Though neither of them know it, they've actually been engaged for the past sixteen years. They meet as strangers, and fall in love as strangers, and again, we are avoiding a lot of consent issues here!

King Stefan and King Hubert actually have a lengthy scene covering this ground, with Hubert first insisting that the two get married immediately and Stefan pointing out that this may come as a shock to Aurora. Hubert takes offense - how could anyone NOT love his son! - and then the two drunkenly agree that of course their children are BOUND to fall in love with each other.

What's interesting is that both men take it as a given that the children have to love each other before the wedding could take place. While this is to be a political match, it must also be a love match.

When Kate Sheppard agitated for the vote she DREAMED OF THIS DAY

When Prince Philip turns up and tells Hubert that he's met the girl he's going to marry - a peasant girl! - Hubert is genuinely horrified at the thought of his son giving up the throne to marry "some nobody" and orders Philip to "marry a princess!". But his son, instead of taking this order seriously, laughs and rides off to woo "Briar Rose". And Hubert's final concern is not that Philip is disobeying him, or marrying a peasant, but the thought of telling his fellow king that the royal wedding cannot after all take place.

The fairies, though they tell Aurora she can't meet her dashing gentleman friend because 1) she's a princess and 2) she's already betrothed and 3) they're taking her back to her parents that evening, are also reluctant about forcing an unwanted marriage upon Aurora. "I don't see why she has to marry any old prince!" Meriweather mutters, and it's fairly clear that they're going to do something about the situation. Choice absolutely must be a part of this true romance. PROGRESSIVE! Sort of.

But MALEFICENT has turned up, and hypnotized Aurora into wandering away! The fairies go after her, and their cry of "Don't touch anything!" enables Aurora to actually resist the hypnotism for a moment. Alas, Maleficent is just too strong. So the fairies put everyone to sleep until Aurora awakens.

I dunno, guys, putting armed guards to sleep while they're holding polearms doesn't seem that safety conscious to me.

When Maleficent, who has apparently not had enough EVIL for the day, kidnaps Philip, and the fairies again come to the rescue! They pit their wit and magic against Maleficent's hordes of evil minions and much stronger magics to get Philip free, and arm him with an "enchanted shield of virtues", and "mighty sword of truth".

Flora tells Philip that he'll have to face the final battles alone, but this is LIES. The fairies are with him every step of the way, turning boulders into soup bubbles, arrows into flowers, and boiling oil into rainbows (!!). They help him through the forest of thorns Maleficent conjures up and turn her nasty sidekick crow to stone.

Then Maleficent turns herself into a dragon because she is an amazing BAMF. When all is about to be LOST FOREVER, the fairies enchant the sword. "Oh, Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, that evil die and good endure!" And BAM, Maleficent the dragon goes down. Because the fairies are awesome! Blah blah, kiss, wedding, and millions of Disney fans argue over pink dress/blue dress forever.

For the record, the blue dress is better.

Better. Especially in this lovely version by nightwing1975 @ DeviantArt

Anyway, I don't think Sleeping Beauty is an actually feminist movie. There are sorts of hinky issues here: Aurora's mother gets one line, and no name; Aurora's first (and thus coded most important) fairy gift is beauty; and regardless of the fact that it will break the spell, Aurora still hasn't given consent to be kissed.

But. We've also got a movie where the most interesting and developed characters on the side of good are three middle-aged women with little wings who like to make ugly, violent things into pretty shining ones. Philip may strike the fatal blow, but Flora, Fauna and Meriweather are the unequivocal heroes of the piece - in fact, they're probably the protagonists.

The trope of older women necessarily and cheerfully making sacrifices ("No magic! For sixteen years!") for the benefit of others isn't particularly enlightened. However, the fairies are not passive, but active participants in the protection of their "Briar Rose". Older women, as the heroes! Plump older women with their grey hair and their tiny hands, facing down the bad guy! That's pretty incredible, for 1959 and today.

Sweet. Charming. Badasses.

And speaking of older women, is Maleficent the best Disney villain, or BEST DISNEY VILLAIN? Maleficent isn't consumed with envy because she's no longer the fairest in the land, or because she wants her own daughters to marry the prince instead of her good-for-nothing stepdaughter. She doesn't have a stupidly "feminine" motive of vanity or avarice: Maleficent is evil BECAUSE SHE'S EVIL. It is both her job and her vocation, and she is clearly very good at it.

Unfortunately, all this great characterization comes at the expense of the nominal heroine. Aurora is lovely and sweet and musical and… that's about it. Wikipedia tells me she only gets 18 minutes of screen time in the 85 minute movie. I'm not planning to factcheck that, but it sounds legit. Unlike Philip, she doesn't resist the news that she has to marry some random dude; instead, she is miserably obedient. It turns out well for her, but that's coincidence!

In When We Wake, Tegan is most definitely the protagonist. She has the most screen time because she has all the screen time: Tegan's narrating the story, so she's necessarily there throughout it. But she also relies on Doctor Marie Carmen, the cryonics expert who perfected and successfully performed the first revival. Rather than a prince breaking the "curse" of Tegan's untimely death, it's Marie who manages to bring Tegan out of her century long sleep. Marie becomes Tegan's guardian - as the fairies do for Briar Rose. I don't want to give away spoilers, but let's just say she is not passive in Tegan's protection either.

Tegan is also helped by Sergeant Zaneisha Washington, the deadpan weapons and martial arts expert serving as bodyguard to the "Living Dead Girl". And because Tegan's Catholic, there's a third older woman she respects and admires: Mary, the Virgin Mother of Christ Jesus.

Fantastic billboard from Auckland church St Matthews, which caused, oh, some fuss.

Here's a bit from when Tegan argues her way into a church visit:

I avoided the centre of the nave and the woman replacing the flowers beside the lectern there; I wasn’t interested in Jesus on his crucifix behind the main altar. They had a side altar for Mary, though, and I went down to say hi, past the Stations of the Cross depicted on the wall, my steps echoing through the silent space. She was wearing blue and white, and for once she wasn’t holding baby Jesus; she was just being herself, inscrutable and watchful.

I went to my knees. ‘Hello,’ I said to the perfect stone face. ‘How are you?’

Mary didn’t reply.

‘I was thinking about what that Father guy said,’ I told her. ‘I don’t think them bringing me back was a miracle. I mean, I’d rather be alive than not, you bet. And I think it was people who did it, not God. But I don’t think it’s God’s exclusive territory, either. If it was, they wouldn’t be able to do it. And I don’t feel evil or soulless. I feel like me.’ I gulped. ‘Only sadder. And lonelier. It’s hard.’

Zaneisha would probably have been a lot more comfortable if I’d talked to the Blessed Virgin in my head, which was one of the reasons I was doing it out loud.

I mean, I mostly liked Zaneisha. I just resented that I couldn’t go anywhere without her.

A trio of older ladies! Tegan appreciates that.

The other thing about the Disney movie that I think is interesting is its use of non-original music. Uplifting the Tchaikovsky Sleeping Beauty score wasn't in itself particularly creative, but it did wonderful things for the movie. The score gives the movie grace without being twee, it foregrounds the old-timey feel of the piece (after all, it is the fourteenth century!), and it underlines Aurora's gift of musicality. The closest thing Aurora really has to a character trait is the delight she takes in creating and appreciating music. Music is also how she finds simpatico with her beloved; she and Philip unite by sharing a literal song and dance, waltzing to the famous centerpiece of the ballet.

Tegan also tries to make connections to people through music. Just not Tchaikovsky. For guitar-playing Tegan, it's all about the Beatles, who she describes as the "best musicians of their century. And ours. And all the ones to come."

She's especially into Ringo. AUTHOR AVATAR.

Of course, when Tegan wakes to the future, she discovers that, while a Disney revival a decade earlier has people familiar with Snow White and her princessly ilk, the Beatles are now relatively obscure musicians who were famous once. Here's Tegan talking to new friend Bethari about a print she's got up in her bedroom:

'Who's that?' Bethari asked.

‘It’s John Lennon and Yoko Ono,’ I said.

‘Were they friends of yours, too?’

NOT QUITE, BETHI.

Although the kids in her music class, familiar with musical history, know a little more, none of them are really fans. Except for one guy, Abdi, who is almost as much a stranger to Melbourne, Australia, as Tegan is to the 22nd century. Unfortunately Tegan - accidentally but definitely - offended the hell out of him on her very first day at school. But as Tegan shakily embarks on her first performance, which is apparently doomed to be a failure, he stands up and opens his mouth…

Oh, man, you guys, do you think Tegan and Abdi could find simpatico through song? Will Tegan ever get be comfortable in the 22nd century? Will her guiding trio of older women prove true to her? Will she convert her friends to Beatles fandom?

Did I truly manage to write an entire book invoking the presence of one of the world's most famous bands without writing a single sentence for which I would have to pay rights?

The answers to the first questions are yet to be seen!

The answer to the last one is yes.





When We Wake will be available from Little, Brown and Allen and Unwin in March/February 2013. Pre-order through Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, or IndieBound.

It's been another month, Internets! And that means it's time for another Sleeping Beauty essay, looking at the history of the story, and the influence that it's had on my forthcoming young adult novel, When We Wake.

In my first essay, I looked at the European genesis of what we now call the Sleeping Beauty story - Brynhildr, Talia, and the princess of Perrault's tale. Those were the ur-Sleeping Beauties, and they were undeniably influential, but not quite the version we know today.

This month, we're hitting the Big Three, the versions that codified the Sleeping Beauty story into the one that, by our time, gets retold over and over, as straight up retellings in picture books, as trope-twisted feminist spec-fic novels, as gender bent cartoons and comics, and, you know, my book.

A Sleeping Beauty story! With cryogenics!

This essay is enormous, so it's coming in two parts. Hold onto to your applicable accessories.

Let's begin!

Little Briar Rose - The Brothers Grimm, 1812.

Oh, those Grimm boys. Look, I don't want to be too down on Wilhelm and Jacob, because they made a massive contribution to fairy tale lore. They collected and preserved over a hundred stories that might have been lost for good.


I do go for the scholarly type.


They also saw fairy tales as valuable - not just as entertainment or a little light didacticism with a good moral before bedtime. To them, these folk tales were a reflection of German oral tradition, and in capturing them on paper, in the naturalistic style of the storytellers from whom they collected them, they were preserving an important part of German tradition. This was a consciously political act; they were deliberately trying to conceive of an united creative German literature.

Except they fully appropriated and modified a lot of stories in the process, claiming them as wholly German stories when they really weren't.

Some of these countries don't exist anymore. Some of them hadn't existed two decades earlier.


It's hard for an island girl like me to really grasp this on a fundamental level, but Europe is, like, fluid! Borders shift! People near borders often have way more in common with the people in the next town than they do the people across the other side of the country, near another border, like a common language, and a common landscape - and common stories. And then their stories might shift to the next town along, and so on, and so on - and then the Grimms decided they were German. BAM. Red Riding Hood is a German story. It's written down, it must be true!

So that frustrates me. And the other thing is that most of the actual storytellers were women. There's a perception they were all old peasant grandmothers, but that's not true - most of them were bourgeois women, including Dortchen Wild, who later became Wilhelm's wife. Rather than roaming the countryside and visiting cottages, the Brothers Grimm sat at home and had stories told to them, largely by other dudes interested in folklore, or educated ladies (go ladies!). But these educated women heard many of the stories from their nursemaids and servants - poor women were the ultimate source for a lot of the tales.

The Grimms did give these women some credit ("This story is from an old peasant woman named Anna!") but the profits (such as they were - this really wasn't a moneymaker for the brothers until much later), went to the boys. I guess Dortchen profited from her husband getting wealthier? However, she also had to flee for her life when he took a dangerous political stand against the new German ruler so, uh, basically, ladies, not doing so well out of the Grimms.

And that's not even mentioning all the name-brand creditability. Does Anna the peasant get a fantasy procedural crime show on NBC named after her? NO she does NOT!



Oh, murder TV. So tough on the ladies.


Moreover, Children's and Household Tales was revised a bunch of times, and in the process it was sanitized, overtly Christianised, and written with a definite bias towards aristocrats and wealthy people. Fewer resourceful peasants, for example, and more bumbling ones.

Earlier versions were much spicier, but condemned for being too salacious and "not suitable for children". The Grimm brothers hadn't collected the stories for children, but since the children of wealthy people seemed to be the biggest market to tap, Wilhelm cleaned up later editions to be more appealing to children - or, as Jack Zipes says, more appealing to "adults who who wanted the tales censored for children".*

What does that mean in terms of the Sleeping Beauty story? Well, for one thing, it was claimed as a German tale instead of a French one. I mean, there was the Brynhildr Germanic influence so it's not that wild an idea, but Perrault's fingers were definitely all up in that pie. For another, there's no ogre mother-in-law (or first wife to the prince). No cannibals wanting to eat children! That's inappropriate! Instead, that second part of the tale was relegated to a fragment, a not-quite-complete story in itself not attached to the first section.

But boy, did those Grimm boys know how to create an archetype.




Here's what happens in their version:

- The King and Queen want a child, and when they have one are so happy they have a huge party.
- They invite all the fairies in the land except one.
- The fairies bless the child with various gifts.
- The left-out fairy turns up and curses the child - when she turns 15 she will prick her finger on a spindle and die.
- The last good fairy modifies the curse - it will only be a deep sleep of a hundred years.
- The King orders every spindle in the land burnt anyway, just in case he can prevent the curse.
- The princess grows up beautiful and so on.
- On her fifteenth birthday she goes wandering around the palace, and climbs to the top of an old tower. There she goes in and finds an old woman with a spindle. She reaches out to try, pricks her finger, and falls asleep.



- Everyone else in the palace falls asleep and a deadly hedge of thorns grows around the palace. Many princes try to break the spell, but are caught in the thorns and die.
- A hundred years later a prince turns up, and the thorn hedge gives way. He sees everyone asleep, but he finds Briar Rose and , overcome with her beauty (Dude! Boundaries!) he kisses her. She wakes up and "looked at him quite sweetly", as well you might if there was an armed stranger hovering over you with a dopey look on his face.
- "And then the marriage of the King's son with Briar Rose was celebrated with all splendour and they lived contented to the end of their days."

BOOM. That's the Sleeping Beauty story right there. That's an ideal archetype and a lesson in plot point planning all in one. I mean, look at it: Good thing (child!) - Bad thing (wicked fairy curse!) - Good thing (good fairy helps out) - Good thing (princess grows up gifted) - BAD THING (the curse takes place!) - BAD THING (all those dead princes) - GOOD THING (the princess is woken and all ends in a happy ever after). If I could plot that perfectly I would spend way less time grinding my teeth at pacing issues.

It shouldn't be surprising that this story is so attractive to people who wanted to modify or adapt it for other media - including, in the late 1800s, some gentlemen who wanted to put on a little dance show.

If this is like the dance movies I've seen, one of these people taught the other one to bring in the real flavour of the streets.

Sleeping Beauty, Tchaikovsky, Petipa, Vsevolozhsky, 1890

Composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky was approached by the director of the Russian Imperial Theatres, Ivan Alexandrovich Vsevolozhsky. His mission was turn the Grimms' Little Briar Rose into a ballet score, with Imperial Balletmaster Marius Petipa doing the choreography. (Actually, the initial approach was for the story of Undine, which would have been totally freaking cool, but never mind.)

This sounds great and all, but Tchaikovsky's previous (and first) ballet was some ridiculous frothy piece called Swan Lake, and it hadn't been that popular among the intelligensi. In fact, it was deemed a critical failure.

It seriously was.

I KNOW.

Poor Tchaikovsky. He wrote a metric buttload of stuff that's considered classical canon today (The Nutcracker! The 1812 Overture!) but during his lifetime he usually rated a resounding "Enh," from the critics, especially those of his native land.

Of course, what he was trying to write wasn't the classical music of the time - it was the popular music of the time, or at least for the people in that time who could afford trips to the opera, concert hall, and ballet. And while his compositions were reasonably entertaining for the general public, the critical success just wasn't there.

Tchaikovsky was given a scenario by Vsevolozhsky, who had approached the plot via the Grimm version, but had also hit up Perrault, French being way more fashionable in late 19th century Russia than German. While writing the scenario, Vsevolozhsky (maybe with Petipa, who was very specific about what he wanted from the music) had a really brilliant idea to make more of the evil and good fairies.

Why should they just show up, make curses/blessings, and disappear?

No, in the ballet, Carabosse, the evil fairy, is the one who entices the Princess Aurora to prick her finger by disguising herself as a harmless stranger. And the (good) Lilac Fairy turns up to extend the spell to the other members of the court. She then sort of hangs around the woods until lonely prince Florimund appears, where she shows him a picture of the sleeping princess, leads him to the hidden castle and tells him how to break the curse.

ALL IN DANCE.

(Ballet is awesome, you guys. Petipa's incredible choreography is full of exciting leaps and pirouettes.)

Carabosse tries to stop Florimund, and a battle ensues. ALSO IN DANCE. Internets, you know I love a good dance off!


This is actually a cheer-off, but I love those too

Of course, Florimund's dance is MIGHTIER than hers, and he defeats Carabosse. He kisses the princess to wake her up. Then, instead of just ASSUMING she'll be cool with this kissing stranger dude, he actually proposes, and seeks her family's approval for the match.

I think Vsevolozhsky's idea of doing more with the fairies was an excellent addition to the story. They added character and interest, spun out more of the plot, and made much more of the roles of the female characters. We don't just have a passive princess here, however blessed she is - the fairies, good and bad, have active roles to play in the unwinding of the story.

But Vsevolozhsky also had another brainwave. Why not include lots of the other fairy tale characters that Perrault/the Grimms had used? And thus, while the first two acts of Sleeping Beauty are the story above, Act III is a whole bunch of people like Puss in Boots and Red Riding Hood turning up to join the wedding celebration. And because this is a ballet, they all have to do a special dance.

This is why the full Sleeping Beauty, with intervals, is over four hours long, and also why it's frequently cut down, and ALSO why no one's super into the last act except maybe the dancers who get to have a solo or pas de deux.

Everybody look at us!

But oh boy, that music. It's really something.

The composition of Sleeping Beauty went relatively smoothly for a guy who had destroyed opera scores in a fit of rage because they just weren't good enough. In 1890 the ballet premiered; all four hours of it. The Tsar ordered the composer to the Imperial box, and Tchaikovsky went, expecting FAME and GLORY. Instead, the Tsar told him the ballet was, quote, "Very nice."

DUDE. That's just one step up from, "Well... I really like the font on these programs."

The original cast, looking super happy about this review.

Everyone else followed the Tsar: Sleeping Beauty had a slightly better critical reception than Swan Lake had received, but it certainly wasn't a praisefest for the composer.

However, that changed with time - Tchaikovsky was a bit of a Sleeping Beauty himself, popularity-wise. By 1903, Sleeping Beauty was the second most popular ballet in the repertory of the Imperial Ballet. By 1921, the ballet was gaining international recognition, and now, of course, it's an acclaimed and integral part of the classical repertoire.

But alas, real people don't get to sleep until they can wake into a world that's ready to welcome them. While Vsevolozhsky and Petipa were both around to see the ballet's critical stock rise, Tchaikovsky died in 1893, three years after the premiere. In his lifetime, he never received the rampant critical acclaim he so desired.

However, he left the music. That beautiful, beautiful music.

Let's pretend it's 1950s USA and we're thinking about this Sleeping Beauty tale. What have we got here?

We've got a very popular Russian ballet of an also very popular German folk tale revision of a French fairy tale of an Italian fable of a Norse myth. We've got a basic plot that can spin out for up to four hours - or maybe 90 minutes or so. We've got an ensemble of characters that go beyond cardboard cutouts. And we've got some really amazing music.

And none of it was copyrighted.

Did somebody say well-loved family-friendly classic story? DID SOMEBODY SAY NO COPYRIGHT?

CALL WALT DISNEY.



Part II is here!


* Jack Zipes is an excellent Grimm scholar. I recommend The Brothers Grimm: From Enchanted Forests to the Modern World to anyone interested in more.




When We Wake will be available from Little, Brown and Allen and Unwin in March/February 2013. Pre-order through Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, or IndieBound.

Foz: Also, death by glitter is hilairous
Me: Right?
Foz: Totally. In other hilarious news, have you seen this Disney purchase of Lucasarts?
Me: YES. MARA JAAAAADE.
Foz: Oh Karen. Your optimism. SO BEAUTIFUL. You aren't seeing the POSSIBILITIES.
Me: Whatever, Disney is good at making stupidly entertaining stuff. And that is what I want.
Foz: This is true but think on this. If they have to recast Luke, Leia and Han, WHO WILL THEY CAST?
Me: Who cares? MARA JAAAAAAAADE.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA my friends are DORKS.

So color blue and I were discussing the new Obama song - wait, what, you haven't seen it? Do that now:




colorblue: it's a really good song. there're some talented people working for you.
erm, HIM
colorblue: not you!
Me: I WISH I HAD PEOPLE
colorblue: you have ME. *is people!
do you want a song, Karen?
Me: AWWWW will you write this post for me?
colorblue: I will write lyrics for a song for you!
Me: Ahahaha if you did I would die
From joy

And then she did. And I died, from joy, and came back to share these lyrics with you.

Ohhh, yeah! Ohh, yeah!

You can't give up on hope
hope! hope!
There's a story Karen wrote
hope! hope!
Years ago and it ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger note
hope! hope!
We're on a long hard road but we're traveling together
hope! hope!

We're all in this together
hope! hope!
Only one more book to go
hope! hope!
So we all hope
hope! hope!
that she turns in her edits and doesn't procrastinate more
hope! hope!
so we can all find out
hope! hope!
if Abdi and Tegan get to run the world together
hope! hope!


oohhhh, we're halfway there!
hope! hope!
lets all raise our hands and hope
hope! hope!
Lets move this story forward!

Is now a good time to reveal that the sequel to When We Wake is currently in the hands of my editors?

BFF Robyn is, in addition to being a hella great writer and an awesome person, the owner-operator of a martial arts studio in Tucson, where she BREAKS BRICKS WITH HER HANDS on regular occasions.*

She's a third-degree black belt who has been teaching for over 15 years, and one of the best teachers I've ever had for anything. Lady is credentialed with a capital C is what I am saying.

Today she got this email, (all formatting preserved):

Subject: martial arts instructor needed

Hello,



Benchmark Publishing Group is looking for a martial arts/self defense
studio or instructor to interview, for two different books we're
currently publishing, entitled “Mind Body and Self Defense & A
Real World Martial Arts Guide” (at no-cost to you). If this sounds
like something you might be interested in, simply reply to this email
with the style of martial arts/self defense you teach (with a link to
your site), and we will send you the interview questions via email.


Kindest Regards,Stephen JacksonAssociate
PublisherBenchmarkPublishingGroup.Infostephen@benchmarkpublishinggroup.info

How kind of Benchmark Publishing Group! They will not charge her at all for providing her expertise!

Being both a professional writer and professional martial artist, Robyn is not inclined to give away her skills so that other people can profit from them. She rolled her eyes, and forwarded me the email so that we could laugh at it.

We did! It would have stopped there. Except I was bored, and instead googled the site. In the ensuing twenty minutes, we discovered the following:

1) Benchmark Publishing Group appears to be run by editor/writer Stephen J Jackson. The books published so far are are non-fiction advice books that appear to be largely interview collections, presumably gathered in the method above.

I bought Your Fitness and Nutrition Questions Answered: Featuring Interviews With 15 Top Personal Trainers From Around The Country! (I was VERY bored), and discovered that it doesn't "feature" interviews. It almost entirely comprises them. There is a disclaimer (of which more later), a table of contents, an introduction and a conclusion. The rest is all interviews, with little contextualisation.

Are all the rest of the books like this? I don't know for sure, because I am neither that bored nor that willing to spend money, but the descriptions seem to indicate so:

In this publication, the real questions you have about Yoga will be answered by industry professionals. Professional instructors and studios from around the country have weighed in with answers to common questions, as well as those not so common questions that some may be afraid to ask.

In Expert Wedding Advice For Planning A Perfect Wedding, we've interviewed 15 wedding industry professionals, to help you avoid some of the common mistakes that couples often make when planning their "big day". Inside, you'll hear from the real world experts who share many years of experience between them all. Let their experience guide you, as they share honest, straightforward advice, so that your wedding planning experience is as stress-free as possible.

Your home is probably the largest and most important investment you’ll ever make. For this reason, it’s critical that you protect and maximize the value of your property. In How to Maximize the Value of Your Home or Property, we’ve gathered Real Estate and Home Improvement experts, from around the county, to share their best strategies and advice, to help you get the most value out of your home.

It's perfectly legal to ask experts to give up their time and expertise to you so that you can throw their answers together, slap on a cover image, and sell it. I think it's also hella skeezy.


2) "Special editions" of many of Benchmark Publishing Group's titles are available, citing a single "exclusive interview" with a professional. In fact, some topics offer "special editions" of books with identical titles, a different cover image, and an "exclusive interview" with a different expert.

There is a "Special Edition" of Your Fitness and Nutrition Questions Answered: Featuring Interviews With 15 Top Personal Trainers From Around The Country! called: Your Fitness & Nutrition Questions Answered – Featuring a Unique Interview with Dr. Marisa R. Silver from In The Zone Personal Fitness.

Yeah, okay, except that the same expert appears in my bog-standard non-special edition, and so does the excerpt from her "unique interview" that appears on the "Special Edition" blurb.


3) Most of the website's blog content appears to be the full content of reviews reprinted directly from the New York Times. I am not sure that the source link at the end of each such post - "Source Article from [URL link]" - is sufficient justification for such full-scale ganking of other writers' work, presumably without permission to reprint.


4) The reason I keep calling it Benchmark Publishing Group in full, instead of just "Benchmark", is because there's a publisher called Benchmark Education. This is probably a coincidence, but it's irritating me.

Oh, and the only Amazon review for one of their titles is a five star one from a reviewer who has no other reviews, but that's pretty much par for the course.

In conclusion! Benchmark Publishing Group! Don't lend them your expertise!


OKAY NOW THESE DISCLAIMERS, because they are hilarious.

The website has a really long Terms of Service section. Highlights!

READING AND ACCEPTING THE TERMS OF USE AND READING AND ACCEPTING THE PROVISIONS OF THE PRIVACY POLICY OF BenchmarkPublishingGroup.Info ARE REQUIRED CONSIDERATIONS FOR BenchmarkPublishingGroup.Info GRANTING YOU THE RIGHT TO VISIT, READ OR INTERACT WITH IT.

ALL PERSONS ARE DENIED ACCESS TO THIS SITE UNLESS THEY READ AND ACCEPT THE TERMS OF USE AND THE PRIVACY POLICY.

BY VIEWING, VISITING, USING, OR INTERACTING WITH BenchmarkPublishingGroup.Info OR WITH ANY BANNER, POP-UP, OR ADVERTISING THAT APPEARS ON IT, YOU ARE AGREEING TO ALL THE PROVISIONS OF THIS TERMS OF USE POLICY AND THE PRIVACY POLICY OF BenchmarkPublishingGroup.Info.

Alas, I have already broken those terms! Because:

Unless you have entered into an express written contract with this website to the contrary, visitors, viewers, subscribers, members, affiliates, or customers have no right to use this information in a commercial or public setting; they have no right to broadcast it, copy it, save it, print it, sell it, or publish any portions of the content of this website.

I am breaking them RIGHT NOW by the amazing powers of copy/paste! I wonder if the New York Times just forgot to have such an awesome TOS section?

HYPERLINKING TO SITE, CO-BRANDING, “FRAMING” AND REFERENCING SITE PROHIBITED

Unless expressly authorized by website, no one may hyperlink this site, or portions thereof, (including, but not limited to, logotypes, trademarks, branding or copyrighted material) to theirs for any reason. Further, you are not allowed to reference the url (website address) of this website in any commercial or non-commercial media without express permission, nor are you allowed to ‘frame’ the site. You specifically agree to cooperate with the Website to remove or de-activate any such activities and be liable for all damages. You hereby agree to liquidated damages of US $100,000.00 plus costs and actual damages for violating this provision.

Because… magic? Magic that overwhelms fair use? That's some Disney level power.

And finally:

Visitor agrees as a condition of viewing, that any communication between Visitor and Website is deemed a submission. All submissions, including portions thereof, graphics contained thereon, or any of the content of the submission, shall become the exclusive property of the Website and may be used, without further permission, for commercial use without additional consideration of any kind. Visitor agrees to only communicate that information to the Website, which it wishes to forever allow the Website to use in any manner as it sees fit. “Submissions” is also a provision of the Privacy Policy.

So if you were to email Benchmark Publishing Group, LLC to ask why the heck you had just paid extra for a special edition that had the same content as the normal edition, they could then presumably publish your email in a collection of fifteen emails and sell it. And use that picture of your dog you accidentally attached as the cover picture.

But don't you go trying to frame or copy any of THEIR content!

And then there's the disclaimer on the book I have, which is mostly notable for this:

AS AN EXPRESS CONDITION TO USING THE INFORMATION IN THIS BOOK, YOU MUST AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS. IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ANY OF THESE TERMS, DO NOT USE THE INFORMATION IN THIS BOOK. YOUR PARTICIPATION IN ACTIVITIES MENTIONED IN THIS BOOK MEANS THAT YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE LEGALLY BOUND BY THESE TERMS.

If you ever go for a jog, you have AGREED TO ALL TERMS.

Jackson also includes the "talk to a medical professional!" advice, which is sensible enough for a guy who is providing all his real content through third party interviews, the validity of which he cannot guarantee. But then, there's the tautological wonder of this:

Information provided is not all-inclusive, and is limited to information that is made available. Such information should not be relied upon as all-inclusive or accurate.

The information provided is the information provided! Okay, cool.


* Lies. Only for rank tests.

Internets, I finally finished Wuthering Heights. It is a work of genius and I hate it.

Fortunately, while I powered through the last two hundred pages, I had my brand new copy of Unspoken, by my bud Sarah Rees Brennan, who has written an awesome Modern Gothic Romance trilogy. This livened up the Wuthering Heights reading immensely.

Now I hate Wuthering Heights, and I love Sarah and Unspoken both. I read Unspoken when it was a baby manuscript and I read Wuthering Heights as part of a New Year's Resolution. NEVERTHELESS, I am going to embark on a Objective* and Totally Unbiased* Comparative Review of these two Gothic novels.

I really recommend not reading this review unless you have read Unspoken, because I am going to spoil the heck out of everything. I think I reveal nearly every mystery the book holds, including the ending. You don't have to read Wuthering Heights first, though, you probably picked it up through cultural osmosis.

What Are The Plots?

SPOILERS SPOILERS I AM NOT KIDDING SPOILERS.

( Read more... )

By popular twitter request, a post about my favorite terrible 90s music videos.

1: "C'est La Vie" by B*Witched.



Oh, B*Witched, with your oh-so-nineties asterisk! They were peppy and Irish and they had one hit single. Check out that awesome perspective fade where the one at the back becomes the one at the front! Holy crap!

2: "I'm Too Sexy", by Right Said Fred.



Why are all the photographers women in bikinis? NO ONE KNOWS.

3: "Nothing Compares 2 U", by Sinead O'Connor



What is my thing for Irish artists? Anyway, nothing happens in this video, she is just atmospherically sad at you for five minutes with METAPHORICALLY SIGNIFICANT WEATHER AND ARCHITECTURE IMAGERY, but I, and much of the rest of the world, thought it was super deep. Also that eye makeup is perfect.


4: "Say No More Mon Amour", by Rex Manning.



Not actually a terrible 90s video, but a pitch-perfect parody of them. Rex Manning, washed-up star, with his new hit, came to Empire Records and bugged the hell out of the adorable teen staff, but you only need to see this to know what a tool he was. Good lord it's awful.

5: "Love Machine", by Morning Musume.

My ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE terrible 90s music video of all time is in Japanese, so let's have some backstory. In 1999, I was in Tokyo for a ten week exchange. Here are three interesting stories about that stay:

a) I took with me Emma and The Three Musketeers, both of which I read at least five times over this period, and both of which I still adore. The only other English material I could get my hands on were a bunch of Chekov short stories someone had donated to the school library. I didn't like them at all, but I read every one.

b) The Tokaimura nuclear incident took place eight weeks into this period, a result of poor training and terrible attention to safety protocols. Inside Japan, everyone was assured that everything was fine. Outside Japan, the media was pretty clear that it wasn't. The day after the incident, we went to a theme park and I went on this swing thing three times, thinking that I could feel the radiation burrowing under my skin.

c) My parents rang me three times during that trip, once to express their concerns over the nuclear incident, once to tell me that my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer (try looking that up in a dictionary for your host family) and once to inform me that New Zealand had lost in the QUARTER FINAL of the Rugby World Cup to France. TO FRANCE.

All things considered, it was a pretty eventful trip.

Anyway, while I immersed myself in the first season of CardCaptor Sakura and Japanese variety shows I didn't get, I kept catching this music video called "Love Machine", by a big group of Japanese girls called Morning Musume.

It. Was. Awesome.



Oh my lord, those effects are horrifying. And the CLOTHES. Though I do want those white knee-high boots.

Anyway, this song was a MAJOR DEAL in Japan, though I didn't quite get why at the time. But there'd been a horrible recession, salarymen had thrown themselves under trains, the nation's mood was pretty down and scared and then these eight pretty girls turned up and sang a song about hey, whatever, their future was bright! Even though the recession was bad they hoped to find a job! And in the meantime, they knew that they were great catches, with nice bodies, and wanted to dance through the night. Love is dynamite!

These are actual lyrics.

To Japan, this song was an anthem of hope. To me it was totally upbeat and most of the lyrics were super easy to translate. "The world envies Japan's future!" was a sentence I could understand, even with my very limited Japanese. (The other song I loved at this point was ARASHI's first hit, where one of the chorus lines was "I want to be beside you always", which was also easy. Everything else, however, was rapped, which was hard on my brain.)

What are your favorite horrible 90s music vids, Internets?

Hey internets, wanna look at my nails some more? Sure you do! You're fascinated!

I typically do my nails at night, when I've done (most of) everything I need to do for the day and don't have to worry about smudging them with a last-minute laundry load or whatever. Which also means that some days I am just too tired to even think about sitting at my desk for half an hour playing with tools and polishes - with my window open to the night, the plaintive cries of lambs drifting through, so that I don't stink up my room any more than strictly necessary.

The first time I tumbled into bed instead of doing my nails I felt bad about it... for about five seconds. Then I remembered that this challenge is for me and me alone and I do not actually give a damn whether I complete it within the mandated 31 days. I have other things to give a damn about!

On to the pictures, I know that's what you want, you vultures:

Colour VIOLET:



Colour BLACK AND WHITE:



Colour METALLIC:



Colour RAINBOW



Colour GRADIENT:



Pattern POLKA DOTS:



Pattern: STRIPES



Pattern ANIMAL PRINT:



Pattern FLOWERS:



Pattern DELICATE PRINT:



My favourite manicure so far is the polka dots, with the panda nails a close second. What do you think?

It's International Book Week. The rules: Grab the closest book to you, turn to page 52, post the 5th sentence as your status. Don't mention the title. Copy the rules as part of your post.

But there was nothing and after a while the computer wouldn't let me go any further.

INTERNETS it's an encapsulation of a bad writing day!